Plenty of people can talk easily about work, money or where to go on holiday, and still find it hard to say what they'd like when it comes to intimacy. The result is a quiet guessing game. One person assumes, the other doesn't want to hurt feelings, and both end up a little less close than they'd like to be.

The conversation is rarely as hard as it feels beforehand. A few simple principles make it calmer, kinder and far more likely to go well.

Choose the moment

Timing does half the work. The worst moments are in the middle of an argument, straight after something hasn't gone well, or when one of you is tired or distracted. The best are relaxed and unhurried: a walk, a long drive, a quiet evening with the phones put away.

Side by side is often easier than face to face. Walking together takes the pressure off eye contact, which is exactly why so many good conversations happen on walks.

Start with what's good

Open with appreciation, and mean it. "I love it when we…" lands very differently from "We never…". It tells the other person this is about wanting more of something, not a verdict on them.

  • Use "I", not "you": "I'd love more time together on a Sunday morning" rather than "You're always busy".
  • Be specific: a clear, small request is easier to say yes to than a vague complaint.
  • Keep it light where you can: warmth and a little humour go a long way.

Ask, then really listen

The most useful thing you can bring to the conversation is curiosity. Ask what they enjoy, what they'd like more of and whether there's anything they've been wanting to say. Then listen without defending yourself or planning your reply.

If you hear something unexpected, thank them for telling you. It takes courage to say these things out loud, and a warm response makes the next conversation easier for both of you.

Consent is part of the conversation

Being close means both people want to be there. Consent is something you keep checking, not a box ticked once. Anyone can change their mind at any time, about anything, and that's always fine. Making that easy to say is part of what makes a relationship feel safe.

Keep the conversation going

This isn't one big talk. It's a habit. Check in now and then, especially when life changes: a new job, a new baby, a move, a health change or a busy season. What you both want will shift over the years, and that's normal.

If it keeps going wrongIf conversations about intimacy often end in hurt or arguments, a relationship counsellor can help you both feel heard. Relate offers counselling for individuals and couples across the UK.

This article is general guidance about relationships, not medical or therapeutic advice. More in Intimacy & Relationships.