We spend a great deal of thought on how we look to the world, and very little on how we feel when it's just us and someone we're close to. Yet that's often where confidence matters most, and where self-consciousness quietly gets in the way of enjoying ourselves.

The good news is that the same principles that help you look and feel your best everywhere else work here too.

At ease in your own skin

No one is assessing you the way you assess yourself in a changing-room mirror. The person you're with is far more interested in being with you than in any detail you worry about.

  • End the mirror audit. The habit of picking yourself apart is just that, a habit, and it can be unlearned. There's more in at ease in your body.
  • Light is kind. Low, warm light flatters everyone, which is exactly why photographers love it. A lamp or a candle does more for how you feel than any number of changes to your body.
  • Breathe out. Just as in front of a camera, tension shows. One long breath out lowers the shoulders and softens the face.

What you wear

Confidence close up is mostly about comfort and feeling cared for.

  • Choose natural fabrics: silk, fine cotton, linen and soft jersey feel good against the skin and look effortless.
  • Wear your palette. Loungewear, a robe or underwear in one of your best colours flatters your skin, especially in soft light.
  • Fit matters here too. Underwear that fits properly, without digging in or gaping, makes you move and feel differently. It's worth being measured.

Scent, worn lightly

Evening is the time for a slightly warmer, softer version of your scent family. Wear it on the skin rather than the clothes, and lighter than you would for a room: it should be discovered up close, never announced.

Setting the scene

A calm room helps a calm mind. Fresh bedlinen, a clear surface, low light and phones out of sight. The same habits that help you sleep well make a room feel like somewhere to slow down and enjoy.

The confidence to say what you enjoy

The most attractive kind of confidence isn't a performance. It's being relaxed enough to be curious, to slow down and to talk.

  • Unhurried is attractive. The presence principles of slowing down and holding someone's gaze apply here more than anywhere.
  • Say what you like, and ask. Simple, warm, matter-of-fact conversation is a sign of confidence and respect, not awkwardness.
  • Leave comparison at the door. There's no standard to meet. Enjoyment is the whole point.

Looking after yourselfIf anything is worrying you physically, speak to your GP or a sexual health clinic. It's routine, confidential and nothing to be embarrassed about.